sister

Derailed

Posted on March 6, 2015

Sometimes you think you’ve got it all figured out. You think you might actually be that spiritual bohemian glamour girl you’ve pinned so many various images of on Pinterest. You think you’ve finally struck a balance, that you know how to manage it all and then with the addition of just one simple favour-one more ball to juggle- it all comes tumbling down.

This was my month of February. I accepted an additional assignment at work which took me from a very manageable part time gig to a stressful, overwhelming full time schedule with all sorts of extra responsibilities, a steep learning curve and a whack of unwanted stress. Throw in a massive volunteer project for my child’s hockey team and a seemingly relentless flu season that wiped out the entire family, except me, the 24/7 triage nurse (I survived on vitamin c, tea and an iron will to not get sick) and you have a perfect storm. I found myself derailed. What I mean is, all the things I usually do for myself in order to be the kind of person I enjoy being slid hopelessly out of my grasp. Survival mode kicked in. I hate survival mode. Survival mode makes me feel like I have blinders on, like I have have tunnel vision. Like I can only see in shades of grey when I would much rather see the full spectrum.

Yoga hit the back burner, meditation was a distant memory, walking and running outdoors in nature were not even on the radar, I’m easily two months behind on my writing and jewellery-making projects and my home is pretty much a disaster, in my mind, anyway. Oh, and long bubble baths? Yeah, right. The one and only ritual I managed to cling to was tea. In fact, I partially credit the beautiful, nourishing herbal teas I’ve recently switched to as my February lifesaver.

But the good news is, and the reason I am able to write this post is that there is light on the horizon. The hockey tournament I’ve been working on takes place this weekend. Just a few more days and this hockey mom will hang up her volunteer badge for another year.  My work commitments are not exactly wrapping up, but they are becoming manageable, still time consuming, but manageable and we are all once again in good health.

There are still a million-trillion-zillion things not yet crossed off my to-do list but today, for some reason, I just had to stop. I had risen before dawn for the last early morning hockey practice, raced home, threw one kid in the shower and helped the other one prepare lunches, dropped them off to school, sorted out the hockey gear and was sifting through heaps of laundry and I just started crying. I was done. Done, done, done. My sister, who had been texting me “crazy planetary bullshit warnings” picked up on my distress and sent me the photo above. It was like an internal hug. A hug that still lived on inside me, us, forever.

All the chaotic negative energy seemed to lift and I could, for the first time in a month, breathe. But with that enormous cleansing breath in, there was the dizzying release of negativity and stress I had been holding on to, dragging around with me for a month. I needed more fresh air so I grabbed our little dog and burst out into the late morning sunshine like I had been locked away for weeks. I suppose in a way, I have been. I went from witnessing spring outside my window to living spring. I somehow managed to gain perspective, to snatch back my optimism and smile for no reason again.

I think it’s time to get back on track.  

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